thanks, chuck.

a quote from my favorite author caught my attention recently :

                "that's the best revenge of all: happiness. nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone else have a good fucking life." -chuck palahniuk

yes, I realize this is morbid, and sounds a little crazy, but give me the benefit of the doubt: this author is known for writing crazy, messed up, outrageous stories.  However, recently I have noticed that as my life gets more and more hectic, and I get busier and busier, which in turn makes me more unhappy and lonely, every single person that crosses my path looks happy, has a great life situation at the moment, and seems to have his or her entire life together. Why is my life so crazy in comparison? Is it even? Are others hiding things that I can't see?


I have been working like a crazy person, taking calculus II, transferring schools and all the while trying to maintain, have, and work on relationships with those close to me, and having a social life. I have been told in the past that i am great at keeping my private life and concerns to myself, I don't really let my feelings, worries, and problems show, unless it is to a select group of people. It is something I pride myself on, I like not being that girl that bitches about her problems to everyone I meet, but on the other hand I have to think, how many people that walk in and out of my life as happy people are really, genuinely happy? 


If not everyone I run into is actually happy, what is wrong with the world? I would love to sit here and write that my life is so hard, and I had an awful growing up and nothing ever goes right for me, but those would all be crazy lies. I have a great life, and I have always had a great life. I grew up in a loving family and for as long as I remember I have had quite a cushy lifestyle. Yes, my life is hard, but in relation to other people, many others do have it so much worse than I have it. and for the most part, anything I want and I work hard for and I put my mind to I get. I have never walked into something and had a doubt that i would make it in, or get the answer right, or get shut down. It is some kind of confidence that my whole family has because of the upbringing. Which brings me to my next question, with all of that being said about my life, why am I so unhappy? is it a biological thing really? fight vs flight instincts? or am I lying to myself thinking that my life is so much harder than I think it is. It's hard to say, but I don't think I will ever know. 


thank you, chuck, for pointing out what contributes to my unhappiness...the happiness of others which i realize is SO messed up for me to think. but also, thank you for teaching me how to torture someone else that has tortured me for too long this past year. 


if you get a chance...read these books:


Fight Club
Choke
Diary




all by chuckp. 

 

Where the ghetto at?

As I sit at my desk on this nasty, rainy Tuesday with no classes to be at, no homework to do, no tests or quizzes to study for, I can't help but remember the good times, not so good times, and times that are still yet to come in beautiful North Philadelphia. There have been parties, Phillies games, a black eye, new friendships made, old friendships broken, adventures to random places, planned trips to tourist areas, cuts, scrapes, bruises, new tattoos (not on me), new piercings, trips to california planned (yes, me), my first a on an organic chemistry quiz, physics tests and quizzed failed many times over, lab partners, asians telling you that you suck because you are a woman, new races to encounter, new issues to talk about, new faith, old beliefs gone, a new world view, poverty, and West Kensington, which is a point all in itself. 


I can't ever imagine moving out of this wonderful, terrifying place. It is an adventure every time the door to the building opens. I am going to miss walking out of the house thinking, "I wonder if this is the day I am going to die in the hood," and walking around center city thinking, "this is way too nice for me, where the ghetttttttto atttttt?" I never expected, in my life, to fall in love with the hood, but, I can't help it, i love everything about it here, the people, the atmosphere, the lifestyle. At least I know that in the future I will be able to find super cheap housing if I want to continue to live in the hood. 


It is just so fresh, so full of attitude, so perfect. 

drug bust right in front of my window, typical. 

blizzards

ya know, just chilling at the gas station

:)

same.

philly <3