This might be the one

I work at a store that specializes in weddings, and the bridal couples always tell me: when you know, you know. I think I know. I have found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I cannot believe I just said that. I am so lucky to have a special someone in my life. He is perfect: he takes care of me when I'm sick, loves me when I'm stressed, and takes the crazy, bad things about me with his stride. When I think of loving someone forever I look at my parents relationship, it is the kind of relationship that I would give anything to have with someone. They have been married for more than 25 years and are still so unbelievably in love with each other. I can only hope what I have grows into that in the future.

really?

I have finally found someone that I fell head over heels for, I'm happy, and honestly have the man of my dreams in my life. However, I can't help but think of sex and the city--the last episode of the series. It's when Carrie yells at Big for walking back into her life ONLY when she is happy. There is a certain someone that is attempting to walk back into my life just when I am perfectly happy. The last time this person and I hung out, it was toxic, the whole "relationship" was beyond toxic, there was nothing good about it. So why isn't it easy to write this person off as a waste of time? I'm not sure, I feel bad for people that are emotionally hurting. I know I can't fix anything in his life, and I am definitely not giving up the great thing I have in my life, I just wish someone would give me a sign on what to do.

thanks, chuck.

a quote from my favorite author caught my attention recently :

                "that's the best revenge of all: happiness. nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone else have a good fucking life." -chuck palahniuk

yes, I realize this is morbid, and sounds a little crazy, but give me the benefit of the doubt: this author is known for writing crazy, messed up, outrageous stories.  However, recently I have noticed that as my life gets more and more hectic, and I get busier and busier, which in turn makes me more unhappy and lonely, every single person that crosses my path looks happy, has a great life situation at the moment, and seems to have his or her entire life together. Why is my life so crazy in comparison? Is it even? Are others hiding things that I can't see?


I have been working like a crazy person, taking calculus II, transferring schools and all the while trying to maintain, have, and work on relationships with those close to me, and having a social life. I have been told in the past that i am great at keeping my private life and concerns to myself, I don't really let my feelings, worries, and problems show, unless it is to a select group of people. It is something I pride myself on, I like not being that girl that bitches about her problems to everyone I meet, but on the other hand I have to think, how many people that walk in and out of my life as happy people are really, genuinely happy? 


If not everyone I run into is actually happy, what is wrong with the world? I would love to sit here and write that my life is so hard, and I had an awful growing up and nothing ever goes right for me, but those would all be crazy lies. I have a great life, and I have always had a great life. I grew up in a loving family and for as long as I remember I have had quite a cushy lifestyle. Yes, my life is hard, but in relation to other people, many others do have it so much worse than I have it. and for the most part, anything I want and I work hard for and I put my mind to I get. I have never walked into something and had a doubt that i would make it in, or get the answer right, or get shut down. It is some kind of confidence that my whole family has because of the upbringing. Which brings me to my next question, with all of that being said about my life, why am I so unhappy? is it a biological thing really? fight vs flight instincts? or am I lying to myself thinking that my life is so much harder than I think it is. It's hard to say, but I don't think I will ever know. 


thank you, chuck, for pointing out what contributes to my unhappiness...the happiness of others which i realize is SO messed up for me to think. but also, thank you for teaching me how to torture someone else that has tortured me for too long this past year. 


if you get a chance...read these books:


Fight Club
Choke
Diary




all by chuckp. 

 

Where the ghetto at?

As I sit at my desk on this nasty, rainy Tuesday with no classes to be at, no homework to do, no tests or quizzes to study for, I can't help but remember the good times, not so good times, and times that are still yet to come in beautiful North Philadelphia. There have been parties, Phillies games, a black eye, new friendships made, old friendships broken, adventures to random places, planned trips to tourist areas, cuts, scrapes, bruises, new tattoos (not on me), new piercings, trips to california planned (yes, me), my first a on an organic chemistry quiz, physics tests and quizzed failed many times over, lab partners, asians telling you that you suck because you are a woman, new races to encounter, new issues to talk about, new faith, old beliefs gone, a new world view, poverty, and West Kensington, which is a point all in itself. 


I can't ever imagine moving out of this wonderful, terrifying place. It is an adventure every time the door to the building opens. I am going to miss walking out of the house thinking, "I wonder if this is the day I am going to die in the hood," and walking around center city thinking, "this is way too nice for me, where the ghetttttttto atttttt?" I never expected, in my life, to fall in love with the hood, but, I can't help it, i love everything about it here, the people, the atmosphere, the lifestyle. At least I know that in the future I will be able to find super cheap housing if I want to continue to live in the hood. 


It is just so fresh, so full of attitude, so perfect. 

drug bust right in front of my window, typical. 

blizzards

ya know, just chilling at the gas station

:)

same.

philly <3

snowed in with so many thoughts and so much jason.

     has anyone ever wished there was a guide for relationships? maybe a referee with a rule book always in hand? there is no one there to step in and call an "annoyance" or a "below the belt comment" and give a yellow or red card to the person that performed the foul. I am not just referring to romantic relationships, but family and friend relationships as well. When a friend comes to me in need how do I know what to say? I wish there was a dictionary of problems friends could have and the appropriate responses to each. How do I not sound harsh but let them know the truth and still be soft and comforting because I really care about them? Where is the guy in the striped shirt to make the call and help me help them? 
      all these wondering thoughts are just a further explanation that people just want what they don't have. my hair is short now, but I want it to be long, when my hair is long I just want to cut it. I want to be in a relationship then once I am in one I constantly second guess what is going on. My friends have problems and I want to say the right things to them but then I just want them to help me. I realize this makes me sound selfish and self centered, but seriously, who isn't? There is always a place of self obsession in each and every person. The guy I am in love with has a girlfriend, the guy that's in love with me I turn away from. Why is the human brain all about second guessing? I want something to help me figure out what and who i want, and what and who is right for me. Who are my true friends? who do I trust with everything? People say that one cannot love others without loving themselves, I find it so hard to decide how truthful this is. I sometimes find myself working so hard to care fully in someone else because I cannot see the one hundred percent happiness in myself. 
    is everything in life an act? are we staging all relationships? At my college having solid family relationships is the accepted behavior. I do honestly have solid family relationships but how can about 4000 students ALL have great relationships with his or her family? How many of these relationships are staged? What about friends, how many people will fake being something they aren't to get in with a certain crowd? is it all a learning experience? I have no idea who I am now, who i am supposed to be in the future, or who i ever was. My view of life is like a textbook, a really long textbook. each year is a new chapter in the textbook of our lives, I constantly learn new lessons and look back, the index to my life textbook has so many different moments that can refer back to one simple lesson that I admittedly still have not learned fully.  How long and how many times do I have to get hurt before I can fully learn something and it sinks in? 

what is one supposed to actually write on here?

   In reality, I have nothing to say to the world. Today, I made a big discovery, how to add people to "follow" on the blog news feed type thing. So far, I'm following my best friend, my brother, and creepily my brothers best friend....
     After spending so much time thinking about school, doing work, studying, and all that crap it is nice to be able to sit down and expend my thoughts on no one. I'm not sure if anyone is following me, I guess i shouldn't talk crap about anyone on here, just kidding. 
     Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and I am really excited to be going home and seeing family and old friends from high school. These last few weeks have been a little crazy with the amount of chemistry flowing in and out of my brain everyday. If i'm overwhelmed now, i can't imagine what the rest of my life is going to be like.


I'm not really sure what else to write, I have nothing else on my mind that I can clarify in words that won't come out wrong. 


namaste. 

is my life a racemic mixture?

Well, as you can probably tell, I have an organic chemistry exam in the morning. It is just so much fun, except not at all. This class is killing me, it is so time consuming, and I work so hard, and yet my grade does not reflect that. 


a racemic mixture is a mixture of the (+) and (-) enantiomers of a chiral substance.
i realize that is definitely something hard to comprehend, trust me, it's hard to me as well. 


Can this be applied in real life though? 


If my life is a racemic mixture there will be an equal amount of positive and negative ideas, experiences, and moments. If that is the case why can I only focus on the negative enantiomers of life?


enantiomers of chiral substances are mirror images of each other, like hands. but anyone can take an enantiomer and make it a diastereomer. A diastereomer are non mirror images. You can make an enantiomer into a diastereomer by switching a wedge or a dash into the opposite. I realize that pictures would make this exponentially easier to explain, but just try and imagine. imagine taking something that is sticking out at you and make it stick the other way. that is switching a wedge to a dash and vice versa. 

The top OH is on a wedge, and the side OH substituent is a dash, one goes forward and the other back...

now that it may be a little clearer as to the terminology I can get back to the point of the blog. can my enantiomers of life be changed to diastereomers? and if so, will that take the (-) enantiomers (the negative thoughts and experiences) and make them positive? There is something in organic chemistry called optical rotation, and a positive enantiomer has a the same optical rotation as a negative enantiomer except one value is positive and the other is negative. If life is the optical rotation, does that mean we see the same thing in a positive and negative experience but on complete opposite sides of the spectrum? I see that all of these ideas are so far fetched but I guess that is what happens when you are locked in the library for hours studying organic chemistry. 


if i was applying these ideas to my life, it means that i can change my negative experiences to positive ones by altering one small thing. I can see this being directly applied to my life. It seems that many of the relationships i have been in that were so positive would change to be so negative when one thing was said or done by either party. my relationships have been diastereomers ! crazy thought. 




Back to the racemic mixture aspect of my life. I see so many negative enantiomers that I am not giving myself the chance to see the optical rotation of the positive enantiomers. I believe that there are equal if not more positive enantiomers to each and every persons life, but it is just a matter of setting up the apparatus and seeing the optical rotation of them. 






namaste, and hoping for an A!